Human beings spend much of their lives in pursuit of approval. We long to hear someone say, “You are enough. You are loved. You are acceptable just as you are.” From early childhood through adulthood, the hunger for approval shapes our behavior, our decisions, and even our sense of self. Yet this deep craving raises two profound questions: Why do we need approval for simply being who we are? And, perhaps even more urgently, who or what are we in truth?
A Course in Miracles (ACIM) offers a radical answer. It teaches that the need for approval is a symptom of forgetting our real Identity, and that true freedom lies not in chasing validation, but in remembering what God has already declared us to be: whole, complete, and unconditionally loved.
The Ego’s Insatiable Need for Validation
From the perspective of ACIM, the craving for approval arises from the ego—the false self we mistakenly believe we are. The ego’s survival depends upon separation and comparison. It whispers: “You are lacking. You are incomplete. Others must tell you that you matter.” Because the ego is rooted in fear, it constantly seeks external reinforcement to stave off the gnawing belief in its own insufficiency.
The Course describes the ego’s plan in unmistakable terms:
“The ego’s plan for salvation centers around holding grievances. It maintains that if someone else spoke or acted differently, if some external circumstance or event were changed, you would be saved.” (T-9.III.1)
If we read this with the idea of approval in mind, the message becomes clear. The ego insists that our peace depends upon what others think of us. If we are praised, we are “worthy.” If we are criticized or ignored, we are “unworthy.” Yet such worth is fragile, conditional, and fleeting. It is built upon sand.
The Early Training in Approval-Seeking
From childhood, the world teaches us to equate love with approval. A child is praised for good grades, scolded for misbehavior, rewarded for achievement, and punished for failure. Slowly, the idea takes root: My value depends upon performance. I must earn love by meeting expectations.
The Course explains that this conditioning is part of the ego’s strategy:
“The ego’s teaching is in effect: Seek and do not find.” (T-12.IV.1)
Approval is never enough. No matter how much praise we receive, the ego demands more, always moving the finish line further away. Thus, the quest for validation becomes a hamster wheel, keeping us running but never arriving.
Who Are We, Really?
To escape the trap of approval-seeking, ACIM invites us to ask the deeper question: Who are we, really?
The answer is central to the entire teaching of the Course:
“I am as God created me.” (W-94.1, W-110.1, W-162.1)
This phrase, repeated in multiple lessons, is not just a comforting thought but a declaration of eternal truth. Our real Identity is Spirit, not body. We are the extension of God’s Love, whole and unchangeable. We do not need to be validated, for God’s creation cannot be improved or diminished.
When we accept this truth, the need for external approval vanishes. Why would the eternal require endorsement from the temporary? Why would the infinite seek recognition from the finite?
The Illusion of Conditional Worth
The world insists that worth is conditional. It tells us: You are valuable if you succeed, if you are attractive, if you are productive, if others like you. Yet ACIM reveals that such conditions are illusions:
“The world you see is an illusion of a world. God did not create it, for what He creates must be eternal as Himself.” (W-132.6)
If the world of roles, achievements, and judgments is an illusion, then the approval system that governs it is equally false. To chase approval is to chase smoke. The more we grasp, the less we hold.
Approval as a Shadow of the True Longing
Here lies a crucial insight: our longing for approval is a distorted echo of a deeper truth. What we truly seek is not human validation, but the remembrance of our oneness with God. When others approve of us, we feel momentarily closer to that truth. Yet because we are looking in the wrong direction, the peace quickly fades.
The Course reframes the search:
“Your worth is established by God. Nothing you do or think or wish or make is necessary to establish your worth.” (T-1.VI.2)
The moment we rest in this awareness, the frantic search ends. We no longer ask others to confirm us, because Love Itself has already done so.
The Trap of Roles and Masks
One of the ways the ego sustains the need for approval is by convincing us that we are our roles. We are parents, children, employees, leaders, friends. Each role comes with expectations, and meeting those expectations often becomes the measure of approval.
Yet ACIM gently reminds us:
“Do not confuse yourself with the body. You are not the body. You are not weak. You are not limited.” (W-199.8)
Our roles are temporary masks. They may serve the purposes of time, but they do not define who we are. The more we identify with the eternal Self rather than the mask, the less we depend on the applause of the audience.
Healing Relationships Through True Identity
In relationships, the need for approval often creates tension. We expect partners, friends, or family to validate us, and when they do not, resentment arises. But if we recognize our true Identity, relationships shift from bargaining for approval to sharing love.
The Course teaches:
“When you meet anyone, remember it is a holy encounter. As you see him you will see yourself. As you treat him you will treat yourself.” (T-8.III.4)
When we no longer demand that our brother approve of us, we free him from a burden he was never meant to carry. In turn, we are freed from disappointment when he fails to meet an impossible expectation. Instead of seeking to get love, we extend it.
Living Without the Need for Approval
To live without needing approval is not arrogance—it is humility. It is to accept God’s declaration of our worth rather than argue with it. True humility is not thinking less of ourselves but refusing to define ourselves at all, apart from God.
The Course says:
“Humility consists of accepting your role in salvation and in taking no other.” (T-9.VIII.10)
Our role is to remember who we are and to help others do the same. When we live from this awareness, the search for validation dissolves. We may still receive approval or disapproval in the world, but neither defines us. We stand on solid ground.
Practical Steps in the Spirit of ACIM
How can we begin to live this truth in daily life? A few practices inspired by the Course may help:
- Pause When Seeking Approval. When you feel the urge to win praise or avoid criticism, pause and ask: Who is it that needs approval—the ego or the Self?
- Repeat the Central Thought. Use the affirmation: “I am as God created me.” Let it anchor your mind when insecurity arises.
- Offer, Don’t Demand. In relationships, shift from asking others to validate you toward offering them the reminder of their own worth.
- Practice Forgiveness. Recognize that others are not responsible for your sense of self. Forgive them for not providing what only God can give.
- Rest in Stillness. In prayer or meditation, allow yourself to feel the peace that comes from being unconditionally loved, independent of performance.
A World Transformed by Remembering
Imagine a world in which approval is no longer the currency of existence. Children would be raised not to seek worth through achievement but to know their worth as unshakable. Adults would no longer be enslaved to the opinions of others but would live in freedom and authenticity. Relationships would shift from transactions of approval to extensions of love.
This is not mere fantasy. It is the world the Course points toward—the “real world,” where illusions are forgiven, and truth is remembered.
Closing Reflection
The question, “Why do we need approval for being who we are?” contains its own answer: we only need approval when we have forgotten who we are. The ego’s false identity clamors for validation, but the Self created by God rests in eternal peace.
The Course assures us:
“You are altogether irreplaceable in the Mind of God. No one else can fill your part.” (T-9.VI.3)
This is the final word on approval. God has already spoken it, once and forever. Our task is not to seek, but to remember.
And so, the search ends—not in the applause of the world, but in the quiet certainty of Love.
robert@dinojamesbooks.com